Council workers in Swansea have put up a road sign in Welsh that is meant to inform heavy goods vehicles that they can’t enter the residential site.  Unfortunately, what the sign actually says is “I am out of the office at the moment” because that’s the reply they got when they emailed their internal language department asking for a translation into Welsh of “No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only.” Beware the dangers of auto-reply!  

Suffering from post-holiday blues?  Feeling let down after all the boozing and partying?  You might like to make a few cookies.  My folks received this special recipe from friends in the USA…..

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
4 large eggs
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup nuts
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Cooking Instructions:

Sample the Cuervo to check the quality as this is extremely important.
Take a large bowl.
Check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality.  Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.  At this point it’s a god idea to make sure the Cuervo is still OK so try another  cup . . . just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the friggin fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.  Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one tea table. Add a spool of sugar, or  somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the oven in the dishwasher.

But if you feel the need to repeat the above every day then you need help

Nat West have been advertising their sale on TV recently.  With high street shops slashing up to 80% or whatever off their prices I thought I’d ask them if they were going to be selling £5 notes for a quid each.  Unfortunately not.

Three shepherds were tending their large flock just as in ancient times when up drives a large Porsche and out steps a man in a smart suit with a laptop.  He wanders over nonchalantly to the three shepherds and says,

“If I can tell you precisely how many sheep you have would you let me have one? If I fail you can have my laptop.”

The three shepherds look at each other (probably wondering what use a laptop might be to them) and reply, “OK yor on!”

The man in the suit squats down on the grass, flips open his laptop, clicks up his satnav system and programmes it to find sheep.  Three minutes later he tells them they have precisely 3,752 sheep.  They agree that is exactly how many sheep they have and he picks up his prize and walks off towards his Porsche.

One of the shepherds hurries after him asking him to wait.  “If I can tell you exactly what your profession is,” he says,”can I have my animal back?  If I fail you get another one.”

“Okay,” says the man in the suit.

“You are a business consultant!” exclaims the shepherd confidently.

“You are right,” says the man,”but how did you know that?”

“Well,” says the shepherd,”you come here when nobody has invited you, you tell us what we already know and then want paying for doing it.  You have no idea at all what we actually do here and … well, I’d like my sheepdog back please …” 

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