Suffering from post-holiday blues?  Feeling let down after all the boozing and partying?  You might like to make a few cookies.  My folks received this special recipe from friends in the USA…..

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
4 large eggs
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup nuts
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Cooking Instructions:

Sample the Cuervo to check the quality as this is extremely important.
Take a large bowl.
Check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality.  Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.  At this point it’s a god idea to make sure the Cuervo is still OK so try another  cup . . . just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the friggin fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.  Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one tea table. Add a spool of sugar, or  somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the oven in the dishwasher.

But if you feel the need to repeat the above every day then you need help

Three shepherds were tending their large flock just as in ancient times when up drives a large Porsche and out steps a man in a smart suit with a laptop.  He wanders over nonchalantly to the three shepherds and says,

“If I can tell you precisely how many sheep you have would you let me have one? If I fail you can have my laptop.”

The three shepherds look at each other (probably wondering what use a laptop might be to them) and reply, “OK yor on!”

The man in the suit squats down on the grass, flips open his laptop, clicks up his satnav system and programmes it to find sheep.  Three minutes later he tells them they have precisely 3,752 sheep.  They agree that is exactly how many sheep they have and he picks up his prize and walks off towards his Porsche.

One of the shepherds hurries after him asking him to wait.  “If I can tell you exactly what your profession is,” he says,”can I have my animal back?  If I fail you get another one.”

“Okay,” says the man in the suit.

“You are a business consultant!” exclaims the shepherd confidently.

“You are right,” says the man,”but how did you know that?”

“Well,” says the shepherd,”you come here when nobody has invited you, you tell us what we already know and then want paying for doing it.  You have no idea at all what we actually do here and … well, I’d like my sheepdog back please …” 

ALL THE BEST FROM ARTISTS UK FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON AND THE NEW YEAR

We were buying authentic Epson ink cartridges for our office printers via Amazon Marketplace sellers. Then we got two cartridges that stopped working even when they showed up as still half full. We emailed Epson about it. They weren’t amazingly friendly but did agree we could send them in for testing and refund if they were not more than 90 days from purchase (how generous!). So we did. What we didn’t expect was an email from Epson telling us they were not genuine Epson cartridges but fake Epson cartridges with non-Epson ink in them. We emailed Amazon about it but have still had no reply. Epson won’t tell us what action they’ve taken either. Whichever of the Marketplace sellers we bought from who supplied these is obviously a criminal taking advantage of these wonderfully overpriced Epson consumables. So what do you do? Buy list price genuine Epson ink cartridges from Epson just to be sure, which probably involves remortgaging property to afford the bill or buy compatibles that are vastly cheaper and which, after a few replacements, pay for a new printer from the savings. This of course does leave you with the “oh god, what am I doing to the environment” blues. Maybe we should all sue Epson for causing such emotional suffering in the first place. Or should we all go back to pen and paper and stuff these daft printers that jam, squeak, splurge and drink ink faster than a Mancurian can down beer? If the planet is going down the pan maybe we should go right back to writing on stone tablets since they’ll still be there when all our books have been eaten by cockroaches, our CDs all rusted and our film records decayed. In those circumstances the only good point is that Epson won’t be around to laugh about it and nor will their printers.

Well, here it is at long last! The all-brand-new Artists UK DotNet website we’ve been working on. Pretty much all the old content is still here but with new features and content added. You can now search the whole of Artists UK DotNet from the search box at the bottom of the sidebar. Just enter text and click enter. The results will show in the main panel. Do you like it? Tell us what you think and what you’d like to see on the website either by leaving a comment or using the Contact Us form. Remember that all you have to do is click on the Comments link on any of the Blog entrries to leave your own comment.